Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Danger, Will Robinson!!!!

Ford Thunderbird meets 3 ton boulder at 105 mph
from 25 feet up in the air. Nice work, kids.

            First of all, I would like to congratulate you for making it this far into the day without getting in a car accident. You have beaten the odds that are tipped quite heavily in the other direction. I have concluded this not because I have actually looked at any statistics on how often people get in car accidents, but because of the batshit crazy driving I have witnessed from people on the road in the last month. I swear there must be some secret government agency that has employed a team of women on cell phones in Lexus SUVs as some sort of population control.
When did it become unnecessary to take a road test to get a driver’s license? Okay, sure, the DMV would tell you that people still take tests, but I beg to differ. I fear for my life every time I get in the car! I used to think it was frightening to drive in downtown Chicago. I fairly quickly realized that as hair-raising as it is, the traffic is predictable. If someone leaves enough space for another car to move in (bumper to bumper flying 20 mph over the speed limit on the Loop), someone’s moving in. Now driving in Massachusetts, on the other hand, is like being in a horror film. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to what people do here.
         I’ll be the first to admit, I had no idea how to drive when I took my driver’s test. I took my road test in New Bedford (that’s the ghetto, for those of you not from the area). And I am quite certain that I only passed because of some sort of deal between Manny, the driving school teacher, whose car I was using, and the state trooper. Driving isn’t really that complicated though, and it didn’t take too long before I figured out what to do. I may have a bit of a lead foot, but I assure you I only break the law when it is safe to do so. If you don’t know how to drive, you shouldn’t be speeding. Do blind people run? No.
         On another note, I think I’m going to need to contact the Feds. I have found weapons of mass destruction. And they are right here, among us, living in assisted living communities. Elderly drivers. I’m sure there are some competent elderly people driving. But honestly, when was the last time you heard about a 30 year old driving a car into a convenience store? There’s a food mart not far from my house that had to put up cement columns in front of their front wall due to all the drive throughs they had. That gives a bit of new meaning to that concept. We really should look into mandatory retesting once people hit 70 years or so.
          Texting and driving is supposedly illegal here. Yet it seems that every time I find myself behind someone driving 45 mph or less on the highway, I pass them and look over to see them with their head towards their lap, tongue hanging out, and totally engrossed in thumb-typing. Put down your damn phone! Texters are worse than elderly drivers!
         I used to have a 45-90 minute commute to work. The day I decided I would need to stop putting myself in so much danger I will never forget. I was driving home on 128 northbound and looked over to the southbound traffic to see a large black SUV standing straight up out of the ground, with nose/fender FLAT ON THE GROUND. How do you do that? Did you wake up and decide you would singlehandedly try and reenact The Fast and The Furious on your way into Boston? There’s no way to get a car like that without making it airborne. After that, I knew I was done with commuting. Good luck to the rest of you. 

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