I'll Take Freddy Krueger Any Day; Just Don't Make Me Ride a Horse.

YU-U-UCK!!!!!!!!! Just look at that nasty thing.

           Halloween is on Thursday. It is not a holiday that I really like much, but I do enjoy the leftover chocolate. And I’m REALLY going to enjoy dressing up my pets this year, as a cow and a pumpkin. Normally it would be the one day of the year when I watch a scary movie with my friend Beth. I don’t really like those either. Last year we watched the original Friday the 13^th. Honestly, I loved it! Beth told me when to cover my eyes, and the music was wicked. The thing that I can’t handle is the graphic SOUNDS in movies these days. The ones that go along with the cutting and the squishing and whatever else gross they decide to put in the movie. I don’t find it scary, just gross. I have some really strange things that I’m afraid of. There aren’t many, but this seemed like an appropriate time to publish my greatest fears to the world – it’s not like that Barbas guy from Charmed is real.

1.     Horses. Yes, I am afraid of horses. They are scary monstrous beasts. I would rather hang out with a hippo or a polar bear. Neither one of those would bite your hand while it tries to feed them corn kernels. They also wouldn’t throw you on the pavement because they got spooked by a boomerang. They would probably find some other way to do away with you involving strong jaws or claws that would be faster and fatal, leaving no haunting memories.

2.     Brown recluse spiders. They freak me the hell out! Just the thought of them makes me shiver. I don’t mind spiders in general. I think they’re great. They kill other bugs and that’s awesome because it means I don’t have to, thus helping to maintain my gentle nature. Those recluses though, I first heard about them when I moved to Indiana. I lived in fear that one would just appear in my apartment and it would bite me in my sleep and I would die. Did I see one there? No. I DID, however, have one on my couch here in Massachusetts a few months back. Yes, I know they don’t live here – it must have traveled on a truck in a box or something. I had to wake my mom up to kill it. She was so pissed off she sucked it up with the vacuum cleaner.

3.     A world without Rhode Island. Despite what you may hear from some pompous ass at a wedding, Rhode Island is an awesome state. Plus, three of my favorite people in the whole world live in Rhode Island.

4.     Having my head chopped in half like a cantaloupe. I realize this is an unlikely scenario, but it was a recurring dream I had as a child. These kids would cut my head in half (left and right) with a meat cleaver, but I’d still be alive. They weren’t very nice children.

5.     Having to live without running water. I’m sorry – I need toilets and showers and sinks. Camping would be a REAL stretch for me.

6.     Running out of chocolate. It’s happened a few times, but usually I’m in a situation where I can get in the car or walk to go buy more. I mean REALLY running. Out. Of. Chocolate. Couldn’t ever eat it again…. I think I would prefer being killed in a typhoon.

7.     Being stuck in the Czech Republic. I haven’t been to Prague, but I have been in Brno. It is not for me. They speak a weird language I can’t understand. They don’t know that Open 24 Hours makes way more sense that putting a sign in the window that says NonStop. And the only things that are abundant there (at least that I saw through my scared little eyes) are porn stores and shitty Chinese food – both of which are “Nonstop.” Oh, their trains don’t smell so hot either.

I guess I forgot about the places to gamble…. STILL. Don't
leave me there. Ever.

8.     Partial Differential Equations. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself blessed.

9.     Having a spinal tap – done by a new doctor. I’ve had needles stuck in my spine before – twice. Both were epidural steroid injections between the L4 and L5 vertebrae. The first was done by a new resident. It took about twice as long as it should have (they put it in the wrong place and had to take it out and try again) and it was REALLY painful. “You’re just going to feel a little pressure.” It was all I could do to not scream all the expletives I have ever heard. Second one – Director of Musculoskeletal Imaging and Intervention at MGH (that was a mouthful). No pain, very fast. So spinal tap? Aspiration? Resident? NO, THANK YOU.

10. Sarah Palin becoming the president. Of anything.

Now THAT'S scary. 

What about you???

Don't PAY For Halloween Decorations!

$6.99 for FAKE cobwebs?!
Ridiculous.

            Last year Halloween got cancelled in a lot of towns around here due to an unseasonably early snowstorm. I believe, as a result, people are responding by doing a little bit of extra decorating this year. There are lots of lights, and fake rotting things, and fake cobwebs, and zombie heads. The general theme of Halloween décor is “dirty, gory, and gross.”

            I can’t help but to think that people are really missing out on a big opportunity here. Rather than spending money to buy fake cobwebs, fake rotting material, and other assorted nasty shit, one could stop cleaning for months before Halloween in preparation. Real cobwebs are FREE! Most people do pretty heavy cleaning before Thanksgiving anyway, so there’s no worry about adding extra cleanup. And since you would have saved so much time in not cleaning for months before Halloween, you’re really gaining a lot.

            Authentic cobwebs would create more drama. Just think, actual, live spiders could greet the kiddies as they come asking for candy. If you’ve let the cleaning go for long enough, maybe the cobwebs will be low enough that the kiddies’ heads will take the cobwebs away along with the candy! You wouldn’t even HAVE TO CLEAN THEM UP. Self-cleaning dirt. I should patent that.

            As for rotting material, it’s just like having compost piles in convenient locations closer to your house. It’s not anything you can’t relocate with a shovel. Think of all the time you will save just chucking your trash out the front door instead of taking it in bags to the trashcans, which then need to be rolled to and from the curb once a week. If people ask questions, just tell them you’re fertilizing your sidewalk. Feeding the rolley-polley bugs and wood lice. Bugs are going to out-survive all the humans anyway. Is it wrong to get some good karma tilting in your favor? I wouldn’t bring maggots into it – they have a tendency to gross people out.

            We’d cut down on pranks, too. What can teenagers really do to mess with your house if it’s already loaded with cobwebs, bugs, and rotting vegetation? Add more rotting vegetation? Lame. Toilet paper it? That’s like providing paper towels to start cleaning up the mess. Set it on fire? Hello insurance cash out!

            In addition to everything else, we’d probably be able to cut down on the amount of plastic Halloween crap made in China and sold at Walmart – thus saving the earth from toxic gas production, slave labor, and bigger landfills. This is a seriously winning idea. Halloween – the dirt fest of champions. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Just Say No To Dressin' Like A Ho For Halloween

            I’ve been seeing lots of Christmas decorations in stores lately, so I know it must soon be time for Halloween. This has never been one of my favorite holidays. I have my mom to blame for that – it is her least favorite holiday. She hates it, perhaps even more than she hates the NE Patriots and more than I hate football. I have memories of handing out candy to other kids when they came dressed in costume and I quite vividly remember being petrified of being the victim of an egg attack.

            Candy, costumes, ghosts, rotten teenagers, Satan’s holiday (yup, thanks Mom) – these are all things that seem appropriate to associate with All Hallow’s Eve. So, when did this devilishly fun American Dental Association job insurance holiday unofficially become Dress Like A Prostitute Day for women over the age of 17? It’s a bit disturbing to me. It also often implies a gross misunderstanding of the idea of costuming. Putting on a costume is generally something you do to be something different, not to emphasize something you already are. Now that’s not to say that everyone who dresses like a ho-bag on Halloween is actually a slut, but the chances are pretty good.

            I always got a big kick out of watching the tramp parade bar crawl back in Bloomington, Indiana. The best part was their insistence on looking as slutty as possible no matter how cold it was. This actually was true most of the winter, so perhaps Halloween was just the official skin meeting frigid air break-in day. Coats ruin that undressed effect and they are a pain to carry around, so you definitely wouldn’t see any girls in prostitute costumes wearing them.

            One would think that people would be excited about the prospect of being able to dress up like ANYTHING. For one day, you can look like a complete lunatic and write it off. You could dress like a Christmas tree, Popeye the Sailor Man, Xena Warrior Princess, Chuck Norris, Ross Perot, a dining table, or RuPaul! The possibilities are endless. Why would you pass up an opportunity like that? You can dress like a prostitute any day of the week. If you do it right, you could even get paid for it.

            The other thing I’ve noticed about the slutty fill-in-the-blank (i.e. nurse, maid, Disney Princess, etc.) costumed ladies is that a good deal of them are not of the body type or age that any of us really want to see dressed that way. I’m not saying I want to see ANY women dressed that way, but you and I both know that all bodies are not created equal. And some butts and boobs just really need to stay under wraps. Literally. Cover that shit. All of it. Mummy! There’s another great idea for a costume.

            There are almost two weeks left until Halloween. I write this as an open plea to all the ladies out there, and men who dress like ladies too. Please, please, please, if you’re going to do the costume thing this year, put on a REAL costume. Be creative. Do something fun. Or do something boring. Put on a suit and be Pat Sajack. Or shove a stick up your ass, put on some ugly clothing, act like an elitist, and be my nasty Aunt Kate. I don’t care what or who you choose to emulate as long as it is not a prostitute. Those women out there have hard enough lives without you pretending to be one of them and undercutting their rates.