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| $6.99 for FAKE cobwebs?! Ridiculous. |
Last year Halloween got cancelled in a lot of towns around
here due to an unseasonably early snowstorm. I believe, as a result, people are
responding by doing a little bit of extra decorating this year. There are lots
of lights, and fake rotting things, and fake cobwebs, and zombie heads. The
general theme of Halloween décor is “dirty, gory, and gross.”
I can’t
help but to think that people are really missing out on a big opportunity here.
Rather than spending money to buy fake cobwebs, fake rotting material, and
other assorted nasty shit, one could stop cleaning for months before Halloween
in preparation. Real cobwebs are FREE! Most people do pretty heavy cleaning before
Thanksgiving anyway, so there’s no worry about adding extra cleanup. And since you
would have saved so much time in not cleaning for months before Halloween,
you’re really gaining a lot.
Authentic
cobwebs would create more drama. Just think, actual, live spiders could greet
the kiddies as they come asking for candy. If you’ve let the cleaning go for
long enough, maybe the cobwebs will be low enough that the kiddies’ heads will
take the cobwebs away along with the candy! You wouldn’t even HAVE TO CLEAN
THEM UP. Self-cleaning dirt. I should patent that.
As for
rotting material, it’s just like having compost piles in convenient locations
closer to your house. It’s not anything you can’t relocate with a shovel. Think
of all the time you will save just chucking your trash out the front door
instead of taking it in bags to the trashcans, which then need to be rolled to
and from the curb once a week. If people ask questions, just tell them you’re
fertilizing your sidewalk. Feeding the rolley-polley bugs and wood lice. Bugs
are going to out-survive all the humans anyway. Is it wrong to get some good
karma tilting in your favor? I wouldn’t bring maggots into it – they have a
tendency to gross people out.
We’d cut
down on pranks, too. What can teenagers really do to mess with your house if it’s
already loaded with cobwebs, bugs, and rotting vegetation? Add more rotting
vegetation? Lame. Toilet paper it? That’s like providing paper towels to start
cleaning up the mess. Set it on fire? Hello insurance cash out!
In addition
to everything else, we’d probably be able to cut down on the amount of plastic
Halloween crap made in China and sold at Walmart – thus saving the earth from
toxic gas production, slave labor, and bigger landfills. This is a seriously
winning idea. Halloween – the dirt fest of champions.
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