Even when you’re doing something good for yourself, the
system finds a way to prey on you. You’ve finally taken some control. You’ve
decided you don’t want to take up two seats on the airplane anymore. You’ve
decided you don’t want to be that bony, scrawny weak girl who can’t pick up
straw wrappers without throwing her back out. You’ve decided that rather than
just drinking your problems away with red wine, it might also be beneficial to
add some cardiovascular exercise in to really make a dent in that work-related
anger (but hopefully before you have the red wine, because if you run while
inebriated, there are sure to be some tipsy treadmill injuries). You’ve done
it. You are getting healthy and you think you have a better handle on your
life. Until that moment – the moment when you walk into and discover Lululemon
– the healthy woman’s crack habit.
 |
| Look how HAPPY she is in that $68 running shirt! |
Exercise-wear
is kind of a funny branch of “fashion.” I am really of the mindset that I don’t
care what I look like when I am exercising. Quite honestly, if I am really
working hard, I am going to be sweating bullets, and no matter what you wear,
you can’t make that attractive. I want to be comfortable when I work out. I
always got a big kick out of the sorority girls at the fancy gym at my alma
mater. They would have on matching exercise outfits and lots of makeup. They’d
come up to the floor with the indoor track and the weight machines and the
treadmills. And then, they would walk around. Yes, that’s it. They would just
walk around. After a rigorous meander around and checking of themselves out in
the mirrors they would stop at the Smoothie King stand on the way out of the
gym for a “healthy” fruit smoothie for dinner (these things were really about
1500 calories of pure sugar… but very tasty).
Part of being comfortable is not being
disgusted by your own odor. When you’re trying to exercise and you think the
person next to you smells like rotten cheese stepped on by unwashed feet and
you hastily either move to another machine or try to run away from them, but
then discover that the smell follows you and you just can’t get away from it,
it’s a pretty distressing experience. This can happen if you work out in the
same old raggedy t-shirts over and over. They only get clean so many times
before they stop getting clean. They make these cool fabrics now that are
bacteria and smell resistant.
I used to
buy all of my exercise clothing at TJMaxx. It’s SO much cheaper there. And to
be honest, I buy almost everything at TJMaxx. I even buy coffee at TJMaxx. I
discovered some packaged German coffee from my favorite Munich food house one
day and nearly flew through the roof with excitement. I was going to just get
one or two boxes, as any normal person would. And then when I used it I would
come back and get more. The crazy in me, however, heard some little German
ladies over by the picture frames, and I started to lose it and thought “What
if those little German ladies discover that there’s Dallmayr coffee on those
shelves? What if they buy the rest of the Dallmayr coffee? I can’t let that
happen.” I fast-walked over to the food aisle and stacked my arms full with 7
boxes of coffee and made a break for the cash register. Needless to say, I can
find anything I want at this establishment. EXCEPT long torso-ed workout shirts.
Do you know what irritates the bejesus out of me? Bare midriffs. And, having to
pull my shirt down to cover my belly button while I am trying to exercise is
annoying. I thought I was saving myself a lot of money buying all of my workout
gear at discount prices, but the shirts I got were not saving me any headaches.
 |
| Richard Simmons might be on drugs too, but please don't dress like him to come go to the gym. |
There’s
this funny rationalization that starts to happen when you are buying things
that are related to good habits – and this is why I liken Lululemon to a crack
habit. If I am buying clothes to wear to the gym to exercise, which is a
healthy productive habit, it seems like it is a completely reasonable expense
(I believe a logical person may consider this irrational). I justify these
purchases in the same way I justify the purchase of any book that will help to
make me wiser, more well read, or better educated (are you starting to
understand why I am broke?). Since I needed shirts that would not irritate me
while I exercise, I went to Lululemon to see what all the fuss was about. OF
COURSE, they have LONG shirts for people with LONG torsos and wouldn’t you know
it? They are also comfortable, soft, AND they are snug enough to stay put while
you move around. This was just the beginning.
One $42 racerback tank (COUGH GAG SPUTTER) was all it took. It was like the gateway top
to more expensive, more luxurious, extra comfortable, want-to-live-in clothes.
I even bought one fuzzy sweatshirt type thing at Christmas time (it was a
present to myself) with the logic that since it was SO comfortable, I would
want to wear it so much that it would make me go to more ashtanga yoga classes
in the winter time, just so I could put it on afterwards. ? This is how they
rope you in. They get you to buy one long torso racerback tank and all of a
sudden, you want shorts, and sweatshirts, and cropped pants, and long pants, and hooded things,
and tee shirts, and all kinds of things at INSANELY RIDICULOUS prices. What’s
up with your prices, Lulu? Your product is made in Southeast Asia, not Canada! There’s no
reason it should cost so much.
 |
| Look at those jugs bounce! |
While we’re
on to the questions, Lulu – I’ve been pushed to ask you why you can’t come out
with any suitable sports bras for chesty girls. You had some and then you
discontinued them. All the ladies want is something that lifts and separates,
instead of smashing and uniboobing. Do you have something against ladies with
bosoms exercising? They have just as much a right to run as anyone else. I know
it’s not a chauvinistic oppression in the works – if that were the case Baywatch
never would have lasted and no one would know who Pamela Anderson was.
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