It's Fashion Friday!: I Definitely Don't Want to Smell Like Justin Bieber's Girlfriend

If Alien's take out Earth today, you KNOW
it's HIS fault. UGGGGGGGGGHHHH GAG.

            I don’t know about you, but sometimes when the commercials come on I’ll start to wonder if I’ve ingested some sort of controlled substance inadvertently. The video on the screen just doesn’t make sense. I can’t figure out what’s going on. Then I realize, OH this is a commercial for some perfume (or cat food). I can’t wait for the holidays to be over just so that the perfume commercials will go away. I used to get excited for Christmas time. There used to be gay and cheerful holiday movies abounding. Now it’s just cracked out mini films of wet people, teenagers in bridal gowns, and Brad Pitt trying to convince me that Chanel No. 5 is not a perfume for an older woman.

            So maybe perfume isn’t really a fashion item. You can’t see it. But, you do wear it. And, it is sold by many fashion houses. Sadly, many celebrities with narcissism disorders have also decided they should scent the public. Justin Bieber, my favorite singer, has a perfume called “Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend.” Inventive. YUCKKKKKKY.

            So, what are they trying to sell with these commercials? There’s the Acqua Di Gioia for Women commercial…. It’s a half-naked, unnaturally tan, malnourished woman, trotting around in a jungle. If I wear this perfume am I going to want to run around half naked in a jungle? Or am I going to smell like I’ve been running around half naked in a jungle? I don’t think I’d like either of those things very much. Nor do I want to look like I’ve been running around in the jungle and lying in wet sand.

            A commercial for Ralph Lauren Romance just visited my television. I saw some family, and then I saw a couple riding horses through prairie, while simultaneously making out. That looked kind of difficult to coordinate. Maybe Ralph Lauren is trying to tell me that if I wear Romance I will become skilled at coordinating difficult tasks, such as managing families and multitasking while riding a horse.

            I must say, there is one that I don’t mind so much. It has Julia Roberts in it. She’s a pretty face. And I think they’re playing Blonde Redhead in the background. Pretty face, pretty sounds. There are also sparkling things hanging from the ceiling. The commercial makes absolutely no sense in any way. I have no idea what’s going on. I also couldn’t tell you what perfume it’s for, because all I remember is Julia Roberts smiling amidst sparkly magical strings.

            What I find truly silly about all of these commercials is that I don’t think perfume or cologne is actually a good gift to give at all! If you know the person likes the scent, of course, then it’s a lovely gift. If it’s a shot in the dark, however, it can go so horribly wrong. And if you’re choosing a perfume from a television commercial, I’m guessing the lights are out. Not only are people very, very picky about the smells that they like, but they don’t always smell good wearing the smells they enjoy. That whole body chemistry thing doesn’t always work out.

            I happen to think Chanel Chance is a lovely fragrance. I tried it on to see how it would wear throughout the day (as you should with any fragrance you are considering… many layers of flavor, like Willy Wonka Gobstoppers). At first, it was fantastic! A couple of hours later, wouldn’t you know it, I smelled like a powdered donut. You might think I would like that, but no.

            None of the perfumes I wear advertise on television. I’m sure that’s not coincidental. They seem to be quite successful without advertising. If it smells good, the product probably sells itself. If it doesn’t sell, it’s probably because it doesn’t smell good. Do you think these commercials actually work? Do people watch these things and think, “Wow I wish I looked like Charlize Theron. I’m going to go buy some J’Adore.”? I would buy that perfume if it would make me look like her, but I’ve never met her and I don’t know what she smells like. Maybe I wouldn’t want to smell like her. Maybe she smells like dill or fennel. I can’t make an educated decision about whether or not I want to smell like another person by watching them on television. Perhaps instead of bombarding my holiday-viewing with seedy, nonsensical commercials the sellers of these perfumes should just stop. That would be such a nice gift, wouldn’t it?