We are what we eat. I eat a lot of ice cream. I really like
ice cream. Why not look like ice cream? Pastels are back for spring and I can’t
say if I’m excited about it. I guess they’re pretty. Yet more often than not, I
find they remind me of children, The Golden Girls, and geriatric golfing
attire. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget the Easter Bunny, dear, dear bringer of
spring chocolates. The aforementioned characters are not any I’ve ever taken
seriously so how I would take anyone dressed in head to toe pastels in a
serious manner is hard to imagine. It sounds like one of those outfits I would
pull together at 4:45 am in the dark, running out the house to get in the car,
so my mom could drive us down to NYC to visit my brother, and somewhere along
the way, after I’d had a cup of coffee, I would stop to use a restroom and
catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, do a double take, shudder, and wonder
what I’d done to make my mom angry enough to passive-agressively let me out of
the house looking like a sociopathic homeless person from Miami.
The more I
ruminate on it, the more it becomes clear in my mind that it is impossible to
wear head to toe pastels and not look like a blooming imbecile. Probably a
lovely fragranced, spring-like one, but brainless, none-the-less. There are
some quite pretty pastel colored pieces you might want to acquire to cheer up
your closet. I assure you that none of them are for sale at Sears. If you don't believe me, take a visit to the Sears in Burlington, MA and check out the mannequin display straight ahead on the right about fifty feet from the snow blower section.
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| Pierre Hardy $895 |
Net-A-Porter
was trying to tempt me to some of their pastel product by associating them with
ice cream sundaes (Sundae Girl). Dear, Net-A-Porter, I don’t eat clothes. Regardless, these
Pierre Hardy suede pumps are scrumptious. If only I had $895 just laying around
that I didn’t know what to do with. Oh wait, let me just pull that out of my
inside jacket pocket along with my Amex black card and the deed to the 200
acres of land I own in South Africa. These shoes would look amazing with a
black dress – something with a flouncy skirt and a very fitted, perhaps backless
top. Can you picture it? I can.
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| Carven $590 |
This dress
by Carven, sherbert colored with some grapesicle… OOOooooh NO. That, I just
needed to throw in there because it’s about as ugly as the stuff from
Sears. And it’s 10 times the price. To
be honest, an awful lot of this pastel stuff is pretty hideous. It looks like
Father Time woke up and vomited the 1950’s. And not the good parts. The
undigested unnatural parts.
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| Acne $300 |
This Acne dress is quite pretty. It’s simple. Color
and tiering. I don’t want to see any big girls in it though, this is a dress
for a waif. I.e. if you are shaped like me, this is not for you. This is a
dress for my friend Alicia. Miss I can eat half a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts in
a sitting and never hit the 100 pound mark. Girlfriend, I hope you’re reading
this.
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| Skaist-Taylor $295 |
I love this silk top by Skaist-Taylor. The blush pink can be hard to pull
off with fair skin. If you break it up with dark jewelry or a dark colored
scarf between the shirt and your face you can increase the possibility of being
able to wear it without looking shirtless. I love that this blouse has ZIPPERS
up the sleeves. It’s girly, but still with a little bit of rocker/euro-punk
flair. I wouldn’t pair it with the skirt they’ve paired it vwith, however,
unless you are fairly tan (and also quite wealthy, as that skirt costs $1200).
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| Shourouk $530 |
Pastel
jewelry, now that’s fun. And it won’t overtake your entire outfit. I quite enjoy
these earrings, while the price is absolutely ridiculous. $530? You must be
kidding. I am only showing you these Swarovski earrings by Shourouk because I
know that you can take the inspiration from this image and go and find
something vintage (used/old/cheap) at a Salvation Army or a yard sale. I’m sure
there’s plenty of pastel bakelite (that may be expensive if you buy it from
someone who knows what they have) and melamine jewelry hanging out in the
cobwebbed corners of antique stores and people’s attics.
The moral
of this story is that if you want to wear pastels, you pick A (as in a single) pastel color and
use it as a pop to go with some neutrals, such as black, or brown, or grey.
Pastel colors should be treated like prints. While they aren’t as bright as fluorescents
or as in your face as a paisley or an argyle, they’re just not good for mixing,
except in an ice cream bowl. And when all is said and done, ice cream melts.
And very few people actually like melty ice cream.
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