Friday, September 21, 2012

It's Fashion Friday!: Help Hiawatha Get His Groove Back

On SALE at Nordstrom for $18.90!!!!
(scrunched up "are you kidding me" face)

           Do you remember Cherie Johnson? Please tell me you watched Punky Brewster. Some of my fondest memories are of watching Punky Brewster in Pennsylvania with my Pop-pop (grandpa), in the basement of their little house in Intercourse. The back of the room would be lit up fairly bright – that’s where Grandma had her sewing machine - and the front of the room where the television was much darker. Pop-pop thought Punky was pretty cute. This was early Punky, before the episode about refrigerator safety. Does anyone else think it’s strange that children are no longer told that it isn’t safe to play in refrigerators? If you have not the foggiest idea what I’m talking about, Cherie Johnson was Punky’s friend from across the hall. She lived with her Grandma and wore headbands the wrong way on her head – in a latitudinal direction across her forehead, as if she were trying to show you that her face went below and her forehead went above, like little Hiawatha might have worn except without a feather.
            Despite Cherie Johnson being a pretty popular person back in the 80’s, I don’t recall anyone emulating this head division by rubber band trend. I realize it was popular in the 70’s to tie things around your forehead. The hippies did it a lot, but those people were all high. In hindsight, I don’t see that anyone really advertised this as a good or trendy idea. In Hiawatha’s case, I understand. He wanted feathers to stick straight up out of his head. Naturally, the logical way to do this would be to have some sort of band to stick them into, and thus the forehead band is the perfect choice.
            Being a bit of a girly girl, I quite enjoy the hair accessories. I noticed in a recent trip to the Nordstrom accessory department that they had several large elastic headbands that looked much too large for the normal size head. I saw pictures of them online and realized that they are meant to be worn on the forehead. 
$48 at Nordstrom
$38 at Nordstrom
$28 at Nordstrom

That is NOT a hair accessory, by the way. That is a forehead accessory. It doesn’t keep anything out of the way of your eyes or tidy your locks in any way. I can’t see something like that doing anything other than giving you a headache. So how did this become a trend? Who is responsible for this ridiculous idea? It just makes you look like a dumbass. Upon Googling the concept, one can find pictures of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie sporting the things. See prior sentence.
            If you want to tell me some load of quadruped excrement along the lines of “It’s fashion forward! It’s so on trend!” or some other string of words that doesn’t really make sense together but you’ve pushed together in the misguided hope that it will make your superficiality sound smart, save it. I saw not a single European person trying to slice off the top of their head with an elastic in the week I was there. I consider the people of Italy, Switzerland, and Germany to be pretty fashionable. I think that Hiawatha would agree with me. I bet that he was a function before fashion kind of guy. Don’t you think he’d be pretty annoyed that all of these ditsy girls were stealing his thunder? Perhaps we can encourage him to make a reappearance the next time Elvis comes to visit. He and Elvis could take a road-trip across the nation, stealing forehead bands in the night. Elvis and Hiawatha – the midnight forehead band-its! 

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