Did you know that leaf blowers blow not only leaves and dirt, but also dried animal feces? Yum. |
The sun comes out and hesitates before it sets. The tiny
buds that have been on the farthest tips of the tree branches from before the
snow fell begin to morph into that shade of green that resembles nothing other
than a Spring Green Crayola crayon. And, more importantly, beer thirty has
moved from inside the house to the deck in the back. The temperature really
only needs to hit something over 50 for that relocation. The robins are heralds
of spring in New England as much as they are heralds of outdoor drinking, in my
book. The robins also have such a lovely song. The cardinals, the chickadees,
the tufted titmice, the warblers, the red-winged blackbirds, the nuthatches, the
orioles – I look forward to listening to and whistling back to them all. If I
focus really hard, I can almost pretend I don’t hear the highway in the
background.
Spring has
a different sound than winter. I love everything about it: the birds, children
playing, woodpeckers making holes in the sides of the house, the bees. It’s all
so peaceful. Your brain just drifts into a state of rest and then
VROOOOOOMMMMMM – WAIT what the hell is that?! Why is the roaring disturbing the
peace? I was enjoying my quiet time with my drink and my dog. OH, it’s a LEAF
BLOWER. Or a WEED WHACKER. Or a LAWN MOWER. Or a POWER WASHER. Now I’m just
pissed. What happened to rakes, shears, sponges, and push mowers? I’m going to
let the lawn mower thing go. Only because I’m nice. The rest of the things, I’m
about to lay the smack down. This whole obsessive irritation can be traced back
to Julie Newmar.
I was
watching Batman last week, the old television show – you know the one – where
instead of bad sound effects they have cartoon bubble onomatopoeias “THUG,”
“BOOM,” “CRACK!”- and it was an episode
with Catwoman a.k.a. Julie Newmar. I decided that my life would be easier if I
had finger nails that blew red poison to knock people out, just like Julie
Newmar had, and somehow that led to me finding my way to Julie Newmar’s website
and reading some of her writing. She happens to have written a piece on how awful she thinks leaf blowers are. It’s excellent.
“Why would you
vacuum your lawn? Your lawn is not a billiard table.” No kidding, Julie. No
kidding. The more I thought about the topic, the more I noticed people
with leaf blowers, something I’ve always found annoying. Now I am something that
is much beyond annoyed. Why do they have to be so loud? And why can’t people just
use a FREAKIN’ RAKE?! 1. Do you realize that after you blow the leaves and dirt
somewhere, the wind will blow them back? 2. You’re polluting my sound space and
wasting gasoline. 3. Are you compensating for something? Most likely.
The same
thing goes for weed whackers. Get on your knees and clip that shit with some
shears. Whenever I’ve witnessed “weed whacking,” inevitably something that is
NOT a weed gets whacked. This wouldn’t happen if the whacker was being mindful
and close to the things being clipped. Taking time. Paying attention. Not
compensating. Not wasting gasoline. NOT ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME BY MAKING
SO MUCH USELESS GROWLING.
And the
whole air compressor thing that goes with power washers… there’s one at our
house that just turns on and off sometimes on it’s own. It’s just as annoying
as all of the other aforementioned sound polluting “power” objects. Why do you
need all of these “power” substitutes for things that can be done with your
hands? The Amish do it by hand. Don’t tell me it’s for landscaping companies.
Guess what landscapers, I’m pretty sure you get paid by the hour. Wouldn’t you
WANT to do things in a way that takes the most time possible? Don’t be stupid. I’m
a union member. I know how to maximize the profit to work ratio. I also am
really selfish when it comes to quiet time. Selfish AND respectful. For
instance, today at work when I had to warm up (my horn) on my lunch break for
an audition, I did it in my mom’s truck with all the windows up so no one would
have to listen to it. It was hot and uncomfortable, but sometimes you just need
to understand that being a jackass is not acceptable.
I want to
know how many people using leaf blowers, weed whackers, and power washers drive
Priuses, or other economy automobiles “to save the environment.” I have decided that since that group of
people is not only hypocritical, but also inconsiderate of other’s quiet space,
they should be taught a lesson. Since I
do not have a car, I will take their Priuses off of their hands and drive them
where I need to go. They can do a better job of helping the environment and
learn how to be considerate by riding a foot-powered scooter to and from work.
I hear those get excellent gas mileage.
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