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Methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus

           I don’t want your germs. Should I say it again? I don’t want your germs. I think it would be a safe bet to say that no one else wants your germs either. Whether or not you get paid for sick days is not my problem. All I am able to focus on with my tunnel vision about illness is that I do not want your germs. Why do people think it’s okay to come to work when they are sick? Or go to school when they are sick? Or go out to heavily populated public places when they are sick? It’s selfish, but it’s also idiotic. If you are throwing up, there’s no way it is comfortable for you to be at work, or at the movies, or listening to your French professor.

            If your child has a fever, the school will send him home. Logical reasoning would then lead to the conclusion that if you have a fever you should not go to work. Now this is not to support all those lazy kids who get hung over from irresponsibly drinking the night before they have to work and then try and call out. They deserve to work through every minute of their discomfort. I’m talking about the flu. Strep. Contagious bacteria and viral infections that spread like wildfire bringing rage to all afflicted.

            I have a particularly warm spot in my heart for people like this. Warm like hell – ready to burn these people to ashes that can be swept into the storm drain. There once was a girl, a very nice girl, who didn’t like to create conflict at work. She worked with another girl who was somewhat lacking in the brain department. We’ll change her name to Wanda, to protect the guilty. Wanda didn’t have the sense to address health issues until they had spiraled out of control. The average person, if they had fluid oozing from the skin on their face for more than two days would probably go to the doctor. Wanda, though, Wanda was lacking. Wanda’s apathy led from a couple of days of oozing skin to something that looked like one of the worst oral herpes infections to ever grace the face of a human. Ronald McDonald’s long lost twin sister IN THE FLESH. So, the very nice girl who wished for no conflict politely suggested that perhaps Wanda might want to go to the doctor. The nice girl recognized that whatever was going on with Wanda’s face was definitely an infection (yellow fluid dripping is generally a good sign). And since that infection had been growing for more than a month, the nice girl was starting to become worried for her own personal health and the health of those around her.

            Finally, Ronald McDonald’s sister, Wanda, went to the doctor. She showed back up to work with some cremes that were going to solve her problems. She didn’t say much, but one day she happened to casually mention, “Oh yeah, I went to the doctor. They decided that it’s a staph infection.” The nice girl almost vomited and was transformed into a not so nice girl. “A staph infection?!” she thought to herself. “You have a pussing staph infection all over your face and you’ve been coming to work and touching things with those filthy hands for more than a month?! God help me from wasting that scrawny bee-atch's ass RIGHT NOW.” Being nice does not pay, folks. Wanda shared her staph infection with the nice girl. And we’re going to go ahead and rename that staph infection a MRSA infection (which is an antibiotic resistant staph infection – it’s gross – it’s contagious – it can kill people). She spread it to the nice girl’s face. And even though the nice girl went right to the doctor and caught it early (because her brain was much, much larger than Wanda’s), it still took three rounds of antibiotics to kill. And now when the nice girl has allergic reactions, that spot in her face is the first to turn red as a lovely permanent reminder of the bitch called Wanda.

            So no, I don’t want your germs. I don’t want your pseudomonas. I don’t want your cold. I don’t want your flu. I don’t want your strep. I don’t want your cough. I don’t want your MRSA. I don’t want your TB. I don’t want anything that is causing your body distress. STAY HOME! COVER IT UP! GO TO THE DOCTOR! AND GO AWAY!!!!!