It's Fashion Friday!: Perspicacious Perspex?

I want to eat it. Looks like candy.

           It’s just plastic, folks, it doesn’t know more than you do – well, maybe some people. What on earth is Perspex? While it sounds like it could be a fancy underarm anti stink tactic or fancy glasses for Norwegians, it’s just a trademarked acrylic. I wondered what the difference was between Perspex and Lucite… I figured there must be some intricate scientific detail. In dull fact, Perspex and Lucite are the same. Perspex was once the UK version of the fantastic plastic, and Lucite was the American, but they are now both owned by Lucite International and are used for such a wide variety of things, it’s hard to even guess what doesn’t contain these acrylics. Depending on your age, you might already be wearing a Lucite International product in your hip joint, so why not put one where people can see? (At least, I hope you’re not showing off your hip joint. It’s a little early for the Zombie Apocalypse isn’t it?) The fashion world has latched on to plastics (again) as a hit construction material. The practicalities are endless, really. Perspex isn’t water soluble, it’s fairly scratch resistant, its color is UV resistant, it’s more resilient than glass. It’s fairly non-biodegradable so you can just give it to a friend or a child or a pet to play with instead of throwing it out.     

           The Gucci Aristographic Clutch is the piece de resistance that inspired me to write about Perspex this week. Of course, I waited long enough to write this blog (at heart, I am a true procrastinator and I have actually been planning the Perspex blog for about three weeks) that this clutch is no longer available. I suppose that means I have done you all a favor. You don’t have to worry about liking this enough to try and purchase it at $1150. I’m not usually into pink, but something about this hunk of geometric textural methyl methacrylate woke up the 6 year old imagination in my brain. I was whisked away to a land of princesses, crystal shoes, and fairy tales. It’s an awfully sophisticated plaything, but then the little girl grows up and she wants RED.

Red.

            Devilishly rouge, and appropriately titled this Charlotte Olympia Pandora clutch is not for children. It comes in some other colors and styles, but all I can see is this one. It makes me think of a bordello, and I like that about it. There’s a gold pouch inside and the clasp is a glitzy spider. I think Alexander McQueen would have turned a grin at this one. It’s certainly not at his level of brilliance, but I think he would have appreciated the novelty of it. The only thing I don’t appreciate about this one is the $975 tag – looks like it won’t be joining my collection unless I win Powerball.

This is almost a winner.

            I did find one that I like quite a lot with a much more palatable cost. Reiss created this boxy clutch in “Tortoise Shell.” To me, it is more like ruined film. (Remember? Before digital cameras?) It’s still that nice dark, aged color, without being quite as trashy as the red one. I do not like the chain strap, however. Something about long gold chain straps on purses makes me think of teenage girls in NYC with skirts too short, or Taylor Swift, or 1992. I don’t like any of those things. I guess that’s what you get for cutting costs and picking the cheap (ha) accessory at $240. 

            Okay, one more. I don’t know how much this one is. And I have no idea where you can purchase one, even after some pretty in depth searching. Luckily, this is a non-issue for me, as I probably couldn’t

afford one anyway! A glowing tote from Simone Rocha. 

"Look at ME, I'm the SMARTEST PERSON in THE ROOM!"

He actually IS the smartest person
in the room. TSPIRs may think
they are Stephen Hawking smart...No.

           We all know the type. You try and have a conversation with this person – a reasonable interchange of discourse. Or maybe you didn’t try to have a conversation with this person. Maybe you made a statement, something that didn’t require a response. Perhaps you made a comment about how it would be nice to take a moment and remember the victims of the Holocaust. And then the person goes off on you about how Germany is strangling the Greek economy, leaving you absolutely baffled because there is no correlation between the two things. Or you walk outside with this person and look at the blue sky and say, “Wow, it’s a beautiful sunny day.” The person says “No. You’re wrong. It’s raining.” You have found yourself with “the smartest person in the room.”

            I think I’m going to shorten this to TSPIR because it’s faster to type and it feels like something you would say when you wanted to spit, and that’s what I find myself wanting to do when I’m around the smartest person in the room. (Please note, most often TSPIR is not ACTUALLY the most intelligent person around. It’s a self-awarded title). These are DANGEROUS times for those of us who have to deal with TSPIRs. It used to be that if you wanted to know something, you had to go to a library. There was this magical collection of books called The Encyclopedia. Everything in the encyclopedia was researched and vetted and known to be fact, or fact as far as current science had proved. And there were other books in the library called “nonfiction.” These books were written using something called “research.” The research was done by a human who went out and found factual information either in books containing other vetted factual information or by going to primary sources and recording the facts themselves.

            Nowadays, there’s this wealth of dangerous text out there for TSPIRs to draw on called the Internet. You can find any information you want on the Internet. And the best part about it is that none of it has to be true. People think everything they read on Wikipedia is true. It’s not. That’s why it’s FREE. “Wikipedia the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.” Ugh. It’s like TSPIR heaven. They say a little bit of knowledge can be very dangerous. Well, the world has become an intellectual war zone. And the TSPIRs are like unmarked landmines.

            Have you noticed that you can’t say anything anymore without someone telling you that they know more about it than you do? EVERYONE’S an expert these days. It makes for pretty hilarious eavesdropping, to be honest. Do you think you know some TSPIRs, but you’re not sure? I can help you identify these people. They generally have to have the last word in a conversation. It’s to a degree that is noticeably odd – as in, the conversation’s over and they’ve decided to keep talking. They might come and find you to let you know that something you told them last week, only because you thought they might find it interesting, was erroneous. They are also the type that in the absence of an actual ROOM will use places like FACEBOOK to take over as their vehicle for existence. There are walls in a room, so your Facebook wall is as good a place as any for them to prove their superiority by showing off their knowledge, no matter how misguided or just plain wrong it might be.

            It wouldn’t be fair if I pointed these people out and didn’t offer an escape plan. They don’t respond to reason. And arguing only eggs them on, so responding in a logical manner or trying to continue conversation is the worst possible course of action. Whatever you do, DON’T STAY ON TOPIC. Throw them off. Pick something nonsensical and start yelling it in their face. “Chicken shit and baked beans! Chicken shit and baked beans!” They won’t know what to do with something like this. It’s not a statement they can argue with. It’s not a fact they can try to disprove. It’s nonsensical crap. It also serves to warn anyone else nearby that there’s something not right going down and they should just steer clear. There is a better course of action, however, and it is my preferred method. Since I don’t have any need to feel like the smartest person in the room myself, I’m happy to just leave the room and let these jerks have the room to themselves. They can keep arguing alone. They can say whatever they want. Who gives a rat’s ass? Let the forest fall on them and they can find out if it makes any noise when it knocks them unconscious. When they wake up I’ll be long gone and way less irritated.  

It's Fashion Friday!: Don't Make Me Force Feed You Donuts

         Most people struggle at least a small amount with accepting their body image. As with everything in life, it is difficult to be content with what you have. Some have more trouble with this than others. And like with all things there are rational solutions and irrational solutions. For instance, if you need money to pay your bills I might say that becoming a secretary would be a rational solution while becoming a $15 whore would be the irrational solution. In the situation of wanting to maintain or obtain a lithe figure, an exercise routine and a healthy diet would be a rational solution and the irrational solution would probably be eating tissues. Apparently that’s a thing. It would be one thing if you couldn’t afford Metamucil, but as a food substitute?

This is not pretty. This is sad. And gross.
A bear wouldn't even want to eat her. 

 

            I get it. I want to be thin. I was thin. I grew up thinking THIN was the way to be. I remember how excited I got when my Grandma told me as a little girl that she would brag to her friends that my waist was only “THIS BIG.” And with “THIS BIG” would go the hand gesture of her touching fingertips to fingertips and thumb tips to thumb tips in the shape of a pancake. I was excited because she was excited. Small is desirable. And then other kids at school would make fun of me because I was little. Small was not desirable?

Some how we find our way into high school in the 90’s. I’m wearing clothing that is much too big for me, thinking that I am fat, because my waist is no longer that small pancake size that my grandmother loved, and I have surpassed my grandmother in size – the incredible shrinking (ill) grandmother. Mind you, I still did not weigh enough to give blood. I only discovered years later that I was wearing clothes much too big when I tried the clothes on, having grown, and they were STILL much too big. I think now, along with the thoughts of how horribly ugly I was and general self hatred, they would call that “body dysmorphic disorder.” I would just call it the discomforts of adolescence.

            I went off to college and got taller and even thinner. Luckily, I didn’t think I was fat anymore; I finally thought I looked fine. At 103 pounds and 5’7,” I probably looked like a poster child for Unicef. I ate cheesecake for breakfast, Chef Boyardee for lunch, Chinese food for dinner, EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I was also going to sleep at 5:30 in the afternoon and only waking up to go to class, do homework and practice my horn for a few hours. This is what major clinical depression looks like, one of its many faces. Hold onto that thought and file it for later.

            It seems that runway models are still starving themselves by eating tissues, doing ridiculous things like having ribs removed, and not eating in general so they can fit into sample sizes of designer clothing for fashion shows. While abhorrent, if that’s your job, it ALMOST (not really, but ALMOST) makes sense that you would do that to keep your job. At the same time, I will say I find it to be laziness on the part of the designers to make their sample sizes for figureless sticks. Anyone can cut a beautiful dress for a hanger. It takes true skill to fit a garment to a woman with a body. What DOESN’T make sense is the people who aren’t runway models starving themselves. There’s no reason to do that. No one else is getting fired for not fitting into their clothes!

            For decades it seems it has been a universal blame game of who in society is at fault for making women (and men – this is NOT just a female issue) feel the need to adhere to these ridiculous sizing standards. I would like to propose that tossing the blame around has not helped to solve the problem. As evidence I say, go to the mall and look at the middle-aged women. You might be surprised at my not pointing to the youngest generation. More and more, I have noticed women my mom’s age who look like they are going to break in half. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Has a fear of aging translated into a fear of eating?

            Bony is not the new black. I feel like I should be walking around with a White Castle hamburger cart. Of course, it’s not just the old ladies, though they do set a bad example. I just wanted to draw your attention to the wide breadth of the issue at hand. I see these people, and all I want to do is eat. I see them and think not, wow, society really screwed them up by showing them pictures of skinny girls, but, I WONDER WHY THEY’RE SO UNHAPPY.

            I’m not trying to tell you that every person you see with collarbone and rib poking out of his skin has clinical depression. I’m not into gross generalizations, while I do think the bones poking out is pretty gross (funny, because it was one of the things I used to prize about my own collegiate body). I do think there is something to be said for addressing the mental health of people who are not a healthy weight. I’m not talking about “body dysmorphic disorder.” I’m talking about real root contentment with quality of life.

            I have my clinical depression very well-controlled at the moment with the help of health care professionals and some pharmacological magic, and I definitely do not weigh 103 pounds anymore. I think if I did, I would probably be repulsed by what I would look like. I spend a reasonable amount of time exercising and eat whatever I want. Some of my clothes fit. Last week I did something that was really quite horrifying – I stepped on a scale. Had anyone been home they might have thought I’d encountered a murder scene in the bathroom. The irrational response to what I encountered would be to stop eating cake. My solution will be to not ever step on a scale again.

Thug Farming

Roundup - the new garnish. It's better than salt.
It's got salt in it! 

          There’s been an awful lot of hysteria about this “Monsanto Protection Act.” I’m calling it hysteria because I don’t think anyone’s actually sure what we’re upset about, including myself. Sure, we all hate Monsanto. At least, if you love nature, small-scale farming, and toxic-chemical free living, you hate Monsanto. This supposed bill that was rammed through, however, DOES IT EXIST? I’ve seen SO many different articles, none showing any conclusive evidence, that I decided to get to the bottom of it myself. At least, that was the plan.

            Enter spending bill HR933 which they tell you “averted a government shut down.” If you don’t believe that to be a crock of shit, you are one naïve Nancy.  There’s no way those chuckleheads in Congress would actually let the government come to a complete halt because then their paychecks would stop coming. It’s all scare tactics. Continuing on, the so-called “Monsanto Rider” is section 735. I just love it when they put something as unrelated as my bitcho step-Grandma and Ghandi in a bill together. That was bleeding sarcasm right there. It’s in the interpretation of this section 735 that people are allllllll over the map. Planetsave.com claims "The bill states that even if future research shows that GMOs or GE seeds cause significant health problems, cancer, etc, anything, that the federal courts no longer have any power to stop their spread, use, or sales.”

If that’s true, that’s pretty scary. Nathaniel Downes on addictinginfo.org claims that the act is nothing to worry about – it’s all about protecting farmers from having their crops targeted in court cases and it keeps people from planting dangerous crops pursuant to the Plant Protection Act it references. These are pretty different summations of the same chunk of legal jargon.

            I’m not a lawyer. And I believe that these laws are intentionally written in a way that obfuscates their intentions. Here is how I translate Sec. 735 into People Speak. If a “NON REGULATED according to the Plant Protection Act section 411” plant loses that status I.E. becomes regulated, Farmer John/Monsanto can request that the Secretary of Agriculture immediately grant a permit BACK to DEREGULATION so that the plant may be moved, cultivated, and commercialized and anyone in possession of the plant may continue moving, cultivating, and commercializing. And this is all to be maintained for the time that the Secretary does his analysis of whether or not the plant should be regulated. And NOTHING can limit the Secretary’s authority. It doesn’t mention the courts. It doesn’t mention lawsuits. It doesn’t mention biotech or GMO’s. It mentions the Plant Protection Act, which I have gone ahead and read on your behalf (you should thank me for that one because it is a genuine snoozer). Oh, and by the way, what exactly IS non-regulated? Is there a list somewhere? Is it on a napkin? Sounds to me like it’s all about whether or not you can plead your case with the Secretary of Ag over a glass of Boone's Farm.

YUM. Sure we can put your plant on the napkin list.

            The Plant Protection Act is not about farming. The Plant Protection Act, as far as I can tell, is a horticultural customs document. It talks about noxious weeds and plant pests (I'm going to start calling people noxious weeds). They’re worried about moving plants across international and state borders and containing blights and disease. The only thing I can see in the sections referenced that might be of concern to someone farming is in section 414, which references destruction of plants (I would assume those that are diseased and/or trying to eat people). I could see MAYBE if the Secretary of Agriculture were to decide that a GMO crop were a “Plant Pest” they might be able to order a farmer to destroy their GMO crop. That is the only way I can figure out how to relate these two topics. Are you confused? So am I. My best guess is that this is like one of those word math problems where they haven’t given you enough of the information to solve the problem. There’s something we’re not being told, because this doesn’t add up AT ALL.

            I do not doubt that Monsanto has a majority of the government monkeys on its bankroll. Monsanto and the US Government have a LONG history of working together. Let’s not forget the fine work they did together ruining the lives of the Vietnamese and our own soldiers. Even if it turns out this rider that was snuck into this funding bill (And you should be ANGRY that people are saying they didn’t know it was in there. All the Congress people have to DO is READ the bills. THAT’S their job. THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE PAID TO DO) is not a huge Monsanto victory, I say we should still be trying to bring this monster down.

            GMO food is not your mom and pop’s cross-pollinating experiment. The kinds of modifications these mega-agra companies are making to the food supply are frightening. My favorite “YUCK FACTOR” example is Monsanto’s Roundup Ready System. They have modified the DNA of their corn and soybeans so their plants are resistant to Roundup, their most popular pesticide. The farmers plant these pesticide resistant crops and then spray the poison all over the land. The crops live and everything else dies. Meanwhile, Roundup is leaching into the soil. Glyphosate herbicides (Roundup in chemical terms) bind to soil particles and while are said to break down rapidly, there have been reports of some sticking around for over a year. Supposedly, they deactivate as pesticides, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t consumed by bacteria and don’t have alternate effects on the delicate ecosystem.

            Think about this, it only takes ONE extra chromosome 21 for a person to develop Down Syndrome. Only one cell has to start dividing in an uncontrolled manner for cancer to begin. For me to get a debilitating migraine, the level of serotonin in my brain just needs to spike abnormally for a moment. These are microscopic events with large repercussions. I don’t need someone to run tests and show me pictures of tumors on rats to know that genetically modified food is having a negative effect on the population. I know at least seven people who have developed gluten allergies since childhood. WHEAT. They are allergic to WHEAT. This is a common food people have been eating for centuries; also one mega-agra has altered the genetic makeup of to produce higher yields in different climates. Among others, I know people who have developed soy allergies, nut allergies, dairy allergies, fruit allergies… People should not be allergic to food. Big agra companies haven’t done long term testing on their GMO crops because they’re not required to and they don’t deem it necessary. Monsanto FLAT OUT SAYS on their website “There is no need to test the safety of DNA introduced into GM crops… DNA is non-toxic and the presence of DNA, in and of itself, presents no hazard.” With that logic, Anthrax and Smallpox are totally harmless! JUST DNA! 

        

SCORE! Roundup Ready COCAINE!!!!!

Well, I have some good news. Since DNA is non-toxic, let’s talk about the non-toxic DNA in the coca plant. Mother Nature is looking out for us (you know, I think she’s a libertarian) and she did us a solid by mutating a varietal of the coca plant to create Boliviana negra. This beauty growing in Columbia is resistant to glyphosate (Roundup) – the US has been aerial bombing that nation with Roundup as part of their war on drugs. What they are doing, however, is killing the weeds, leaving extra space for the resistant strain of supercoca! So when all the plants are dead, thanks to Monsanto, and when there is no food left for any of us to eat that isn’t a science project gone awry, thanks to Monsanto, at least we’ll all be able to get reallllllly high.